i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
