I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
