did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I believe in your delicious
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
