I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize