This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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