I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
