I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
