That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
