I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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