youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
