i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
