i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
