i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm too high and old for this...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
