wrigley field is MILF paradise
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
