i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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