I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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