New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
try to milk me bitch
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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