Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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