dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
