Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
