Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
