Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
