Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
