i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Did I show you my penis last night?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
