I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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