Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
