i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
