i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
