I feel like I'm in dance class right now
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Green mimosas i think yes
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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