he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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