Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
