i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
