Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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