Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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