hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
