apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
