He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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