im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
