I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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