I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
