My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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