the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
