Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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