Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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