I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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