Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
