I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
