maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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