dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize