I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
