The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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