The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
