woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
