Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize