my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I have feelings that need drinking.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
