Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
