just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize