Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
