I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
