You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
