Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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