I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
