I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
